A few years ago, this woman (who I had only met once when I was like 19 and going to UT, and I was shit-faced drunk and don't even remember what she looked like. She came over to my apartment and I wouldn't stop blasting records, so she left) contacted me, obsessed with the fact that me and her were supposed to get married. She's my old friend, Cassidy's ex-girlfriend. Some monk told her that she was supposed to get married with a man with "no name". Somehow, she interpretted that to be me. She lived in Austin, but was in Houston visiting hanging out with Cassidy, and she went and visited my mom. Yup, that's right, she went and visited my mom. She's a lunatic. She looked at some pictures that my mom showed her, and was determined that I was the man with "no name". My mom was scared. She e-mailed me and explained her whole insane story and it was amusing. We started corresponding. She constantly wanted me to call her, but I hate that form of communication. I always feel like I'm either being interrupted or interrupting the other person. Anyway, it was weird. She crazy. She had herpes and wanted me to have sex with her with no condom. Supposedly, she had some technique to where I wouldn't catch it and plus, we were going to be together forever, etc. She was going to come visit me in LA, but she had to find someone to watch her "dogs" which I later found out were actually more like her "children". I wanted to go to Austin, but I didn't have any money at the time. Maybe it's for the better. Also, she was obsessed with buddhism or something, and she was determined that she was going to illuminate me. I tried to explain to her that I already grew up all my life around that stuff, and there's nothing new that she could tell me. I told her that I was a loser, bad in relationships, an alcoholic, wasn't ever going to ever have children, an atheist, but she wouldn't listen. I think she has very little touch with reality. Anyway, here's an e-mail she just sent me out of the blue. Oh yeah, she found some other man that was supposedly the real man with "no name" and they married and had two more kids on top of the dogs, I mean kids she already had. Anything else, doesn't even need explanation because I don't really understand it either. So, here it goes, enjoy, bon appetite! Dear Puree, I had a similar situation occur. I got really drunk and, well, a police lady drove me home. She kept my blue thermos. I almost lost my husband. I already lost my kids a while back, but got another one later. He's cute. I was actually trying to leave my husband, but was in a black-out (a partial one) & the police lady drove me home. My mother-in-law let me in. The monk told me today that I was drinking because I did not love myself enough. I have been having all kinds of spiritual experiences again now for about two months. I remember that I was looking for you, with blue eyes, my soul mate & I found Duc (my husband) & was living with him by the time you came to Austin. I am happy again, but I met Jesus a little before contacting you. He sent me to the monk. I have been looking for him again, but realized that I had already met Him. He was my neighbor. Now I am VERY sad because he is gone. I really enjoyed him speaking to me. I was not ready for Him. I quit drinking entirely after mid-last summer. I cannot drink anymore because I went back to my chosen religion. I used to be an inactive Mormon (converted in '98 & went to the temple in '00), but am active again. It is a trip. I really did meet Jesus. I recognized Him because He knew who I was, which I cannot tell you, but I already did a year ago. When He spoke to me it was the best experience that I have ever had. Now I am hoping that I will be able to talk to Him again. The monk said that I could if I meditated. I feel bad because I wanted to have sex with Him & always have Him as mine. Then He left. I went to Him in a black out a few times. I noticed that He has the ability to shape-shift & go into peoples' bodies. If He is in yours, tell Him to come and live with us. I promise that I will not try to have sex with Him. I am married & love my husband. I am in Houston. Puree...how is your book coming? Did you know that the ancient Atlanteans were able to travel in their sleep/drunk states? Have you ever traveled in your mind to other realities? After I went to the temple (the Mormon one) in Oregon, I left & did a lot of heroin & speed. I always had money from my family & school. I was lonely one night. my daughter was at my mom's. I saw Jesus on the wall. That is how I was able to recognize Him. I miss Him sooooooo much. I cry a lot & then feel bad because He gave me a husband & everything that I told Him that I wanted. He asked me if I knew "The Way". I said, "Yes, the language of Christ". Natue is the language of Christ. I have to go, but please pray for me, Puree. I remember you...so shy, yet raw and young. You were obviously super intelligent. I noticed you walking circles around us. You definitely had a second sight. Your hair was beautiful- I recall mats in it, or - no- curls. You moved your head in a fascinating manner. When I saw you later, at UT, your room was a few feet deep in trash and clothes. You were getting high. I was sober at the time. My daughter was with me. You told me that your dad had a lot of money. I just remembered your joker hat. Later, I learned that the joker hat was the sign of the Trickster. Hermes. I spent years to try to learn about myth & Jung's Synchronicity, or the I Ching. Now that I have caught up to you, you are lost in alcohol & I know what Jesus, acutally just Stuart, must have felt like with me being drunk- as if He had wished that His memories of our past together, the one that is like a dream because it was many lifetimes ago, had been forgotten. I know that I forgot my past lives, but He did not. I feel bad for giving Him a drunk when I would have liked to have anointed Him with my tears & kissed Him. He left me with a husband & a testimony. The testimony is one of Buddhism & Gnostism or Gnostic. The only man I have to join my beliefs is Thich Nhat Hahn, Cau Chin- a psychic monk here in Houston, and Jesus, so, I am alone. With Mormons. God damn it, Amy So, there you have it. I'm not quite sure what she's going on about half the time, but whatever, you know? She's more interesting than 90% of the people I know. Maybe, it's lame that I'm using her as fodder for my blog but whatever. She's not on MySpace anyway. In the future maybe I can dig up some of those old e-mails she used to send me and add it to this blog. Update: Here's something she sent me a couple of days ago. I haven't even responded to the last e-mail. I'm not even going to comment on it. There's no need. What is your address? I need to send you some money. I have $88, or something like that. Sorry about the weird emails. You did not have an address before. Figure one out- some way for me to get to you & quick. I need for you to respond today. 11/12/6 She e-mailed me five times last night. Feast your eyes on this spectacle of interestingness: ************************************* 1st e-mail: Hey Puree, I need for you to come to Houston. I need for you to visit Cau Chin- a Buddhist monk. Please send me a photo of you so that I may show it to him. I want the one with you next to the old stone with your pinky and index finger up. I liked your joker hat. I got one like it whe I graduated at the Cirque du Soleil in Portland. You may come and stay with us. We have a few rooms. I think that we should go see your mother & scare the shit out of her- or love her to death. We need to play music. My husband has a band. What is your mom's address? Or how can I get there? Cassidy showed me before, but I forgot. I need to go and see her to let her know that I found who I was looking for- Duc, my husband & to try to get her to get you over here. What is your dad's name? I would like to meet him, or at least see a picture. Much love, Amy ********************************** Puree, Do you know Alex Mandy, Misket Lee, John Black, Alex Marsh, Toby Marsh, Joan Richardson or John-Paul Marsh or that woman who used to fuck Cassidy who worked for state farm? Send me your writings I need to read them What do you know about witchcraft & the taking of young childrens' spirits via blood like vampires Namely, imagine a way to get your soul back if some bitch named Judy Marsh burned you as a child in order to prolong her life because she could not get a kidney? I need your help Help me help myself ************************************ 3rd e-mail: Puree, What school did you go to? It was a school for gifted artists. I need to go there. I need to see your mom Please have her email me. My phone number is 281-609-9010 I must talk with you soon Let me talk to you please ************************************ 4th e-mail: Tomatoes, I need for you to come here and write & play music Rent free ************************************ 5th e-mail: Dear Puree, I am a woman who was once a girl. I saw you one evening outside your school. I knew that you were the one. You took me, in play, while you giggled like my son (who I had years later), and we looked at the art at your school with Cassidy King. You then turned into a creative spiral, unafraid of dying & unable to die, but unaware of it. I am in need of a writing partner. I need to take you to the monk, Cau Chin. We are waiting for you. No sex. Just pure friendship, music playing and love. I am married, but need you to help me write a book in the I Ching, Carl Jung, Creativity, Chinese Medicine, the spirit that links Buddhism and Christianity, and Chaos- SHEER CHAOS!!!!!! Synchronicity ************************* So, that's it. Pretty great, huh? By the way, I have absolutely no idea what the fuck she's talking about. Stay posted. I will put up some of her early e-mails soon. So, I'm walking down 6th street and and I see I got a call from my girlfriend, I answer the phone and it's this insane woman named AMY that you may already know of. (If you don't, read my blog, there's this ongoing saga with her weird e-mails) She drove all the way from Houston to LA because I'm her "soulmate" or some other unlikely shit. So, she was inside of my apartment and scaring my girlfriend. But, Tookie, the poopie puppy princess was courageous and chased her off after giving her 150 dollars! Anyway, I'm back here in LA now. I cryed some Texas sized tear drops when the plane touched down thinking about all my friends that I will miss. I'm OK now though although I feel ill and I did too much coke and my apartment smells like shit. I thinks it's time for another bout of sobriety. I feel majorly fucked after my personal 16-day-long Mardi Gras in Austin. So, without further ado (what in the fuck is that?) here is the ongoing saga of Amy. I must warn you though, you are about to read one of the meanest things that any human being has ever said to another. The first one is my e-mail to her with a few "suggestions". I was wasted. Bon Appetit. And wait til you get a load out of her response: here's various suggestions: 1. right by my house, there's the Hollywood freeway. There's absolutely nothing stopping you from jumping off of it. And you would die for sure, and I would rejoice because I fucking hate christians so fucking bad. I want you all to die. If it was legal, I would kill you myself. 2. You could go to Skid Row (east downtown) and buy yourself a hot shot. It would probably cost a hundred dollars, and you would most surely die, and it would be a fun way to die though. pleasurable and all that. and I would come and look at your blue bloated corpse lying in the gutter and laugh and point. 3. There's various tall buildings in downtown that you could go up on top and jump off and it would be quite sensational. Everybody would love seeing the dead mutilated hippie. Maybe you would even get on the news. 4. You could take the blue line to Compton, and you could just go around antagonizing everyone until someone shoots you in the fucking head. You'ld be dead in ten minutes flat. And all of the cholos would have a party stomping on your corpse's head. Maybe you could even smoke some PCP before you die. That's seems like a highly unpleasant way to die. 5. Get a fake gun and run at some cops, and they'll shoot you a million times. Nobody gets shot once by the LAPD. You get shot four hundred times. quite a pleasant time. So, what do you think of that? Isn't it terrible? Not nice. So here's her response to that: Dear Puree- I do not know what is going on, but I am trying to exist w/o feeling bad about myself. My husband can't be with me now & he is drinking. I have been at home praying and at the temple. I was in austin and at your place in L.A. You are welcome to come over and visit while you are in town. I would like to talk to you in person. My address is 2422 Union Mill Road, Houston, Tx 77067. My phone number is 713-609-9010. I hope that you have a nice vacation. I am sorry about the weird rain. What was it like? I was in NM looking at the moon. It was beautiful, like inside the temple or when I look at the big statue of Kuan Yin at the Buddhist temple. Much love, Amy She's really out there. it doesn't make any sense. And she has these irrational assumptions that I'm going to go to Houston (which I may never do again in my whole entire life even though it's my hometown) and that I'm going to talk to her on the phone (which I can't stand. My brain doesn't compute that form of communication) Here's an e-mail leading up to this all. I have no idea what in the fuck she's talking about. No shit I am such a loser I tried to get my husband to be Mormon & my mom and sister talked him into thinking that I am crazy Oh my God- I am fucking retarted He dumped me, tookthe baby and says that I cannot see the baby until the court date I hate every fucking germ on the face of the Earth I almost killed myself, then I remembered Sam and how the dogs told him to kill people It made me feel better to remember that after reading my Book of Mormon Fuck- I met superman the other day- Tomcat and fell in love He was smoking crack, which I did not do, and collecting money He works for the government as a drug dude that collects money He fell in love with me & said that any man would go insane with me because I am so beautiful I do not want his house, I do not want anything but Jesus I was headed to the monastery to be a nun, and then it started to get dark So I am at Ruta Maya in Austin I am off of school until Jan.10 I guess I am free to go to 6th Street I do not drink I need a mechanic to keep my engine going It has died I was writing Cassidy that I am supposed to be with him Fucking insane Cookoo I like terrorists They are good people I hope they blow me up Did you know that if a woman fucks a dog that he blows up inside her & cannot pull out I am not sending you shit, fucker I wanted you, but you have to be on drugs and drunk Even Cassidy said you were the one I pawned my wedding ring & got $200 bucks Do you think that that is enough to get to you? How do I get there from Austin? I want you so bad I can't even breathe Were you Tomcat? This man was amazing He was Eminem- John Wudu...who are you? I am going to the monastary in the morning & I do not believe in condoms, so I just don't do it Puree Tomatoes, give me you I am at Ruta Maya on the computer The monastary is in Blanco Their phone is off, so they may be closed If I go to you, I cannot get back & I have school I will be renting a place Even Cassidy said that you were the one Puree- my children are cared for by my husband, soon to be ex due to his insecurity He says that I make him insecure Why? I am faithful & give head every night almost I even like leather and masks I let him fuck me in the as a billion times I guess he is the crazy one I am available mentally I am open with him & loving.I even cuddle. I used to cook. I clean and love the baby. Why do men want to take my children away from me? He said that I loved me dogs more than him after HE told me to give them a bath I left them there with all my shit I know the words to every song and can sing I even sang for him I told him about the universal mind and unlocking keys to it- Jim Morrison is my soulmate,but when I try to teach him he calls me crazy I go to the temple- Buddhist & Mormon, Catholic and Orthodox churches I think it is fun I am still looking for my soulmate What can I do on 6th Street? May I run into you? Oh God, Puree, I wish that I could be with you when you drink, but I will end up drinking and I need to spend time with my children, even though I cannot see them I need to be sober so that I can do well in school I am going to be an acupuncturist even though Cassidy thinks that it is retarted If I do not get acupuncture, my head feels heavy and pounds Sex is the only thing that cures it My brain is like a portal John Malkovich type a bunch of souls jump in & I take them to the temple They are released there and with scalp acupuncture I take many with me wherever I go My friends are in my head I think that I got dumped because I am supposed to be with you I just cannot do that and get back- I probably do not even have enough money to get to you Do you want to try it again, Puree? My husband just popped in the way before It was weird Like- I am getting with you and then, Duc at Numbers I went on a whim after smashing my Kuan Yin statue into bits all drunk on the way to Corpus to camp on the beach in the full moon with my dogs when BOOM I decide that I want to hear old Skinny Puppy Now he wants a divorce How bizarre My sister & mom will do anything to keep me in their bubble But, I am with David the Bubble Boy, man I am also with Elvis,The Jedi Knights and Einstein I am an Alien Sex Fiend now I am with Nick Fiend But I do not want to have sex with anyone Cass gives me such a great loving feeling, but he is like a brother to me I feel bad for talking to him I keep doing that Telling him that I want him and then turning to you My God Would you just stop it already? I know that you are the little shit that is the kid in Superman Are you even aware of you shape shifting? Fuck I can communicate now with the universal mind and the subconscious in people like if I am sitting in my car at the bus stop & I think (while looking at someone sitting at the bus stop) "which way is the destination?" They tell me by looking that way Cassidy never should have come into mind when Cau Chin told me that I would find my soulmate. Cassidy told me that it would be you. I asked him who would be the most beautiful being with God's divine grace- who would be my Hermes, my trickster, my mask I thought that Cassidy would say him, but he said you I am in a lot of trouble liking you, you know I need to let it go Maybe I should get drunk and have sex Hmmm I wonder My temple name is Lois Did Lois Laneget drunk? I cannot get my kids if I do everything right What kind of shit is that? I love my children, but they are withheld from me Is it because I was going to be a nun before I had them? Was the whole 'weekend nun' thing a bad idea? If only I could spontaneously combust I am multi orgasmic, you shit head Hey Puree- would you even like an older woman? I am probably lying to myself thinking that you might like me No man can feel secure with me Why am I so full of God? Why do I know things like a psychic? If you think a name or a number I can guess it I believe in zero sex,too But I like sex & I got pregnant three times I cannot kill so I had the babies I am sorry I was going to get my tubes tied, then I realized that I increased my fith to full throttle & all I need is to pray in order to not have the cells multiply into a fetus I also do not plan on having sex again It was way too good to try again with anyone I really fell in love with Duc How strange to get dumped I have never been dumped I fucked great and was great at home The Mormon thing pissed him off He wanted to gamble & I could not do that I did not feel safe doing it at the time I just need to be alone and study I look forward to being alone and meditating all the time I will be going to 6th Street tonight & watching people Where can I take my car and park it to sleep? Let me know if you know a place Maybe I will run into an old friend >According to my girlfriend, she's an ugly little troll hippie lady. She should go to New Mexico and go suck on eggs and kill herself. Gosh, I'm pretty mean, huh? And more: Here's the subject of an e-mail. It's so good on its own, that I won't even include the actual content: I lost 40 punds since your mom saw me. I need my children, or a good s oulmate. Readthis OK, well, hmmm, I don't give a shit how much she weighs. I've only met her once and she looked good, but I geuss she's fat now. Whatever. And furthermore: I am on my way up there now. I hope you are there. See you soon. OK, there's more, but I will spare you. I hope that this was entertaining enough.