Does anybody read this shit? in regards to anxiety, don't drink a single drop of any beverage containing caffeine. Not even green tea. I was complaining about anxiety to my doctor one time. Throughout my life I've had this neurotic paranoia that I'm being observed by strangers, and I told my doctor about it. The first thing he suggested was stop drinking caffeine which I did, and my paranoia and anxiety dropped exponentially. Also, exercise is great for working off the extra energy that leads to anxiety. For me, a good bike ride with uplifting music on headphones often does the trick for me. Also, an overcast, drizzly day never hurts, but obviously, we can't control the weather. We can control where we live, and for some bizarre reason, I live in one of the sunniest places in the country, but LA makes up for the shitty weather in a bajillion other ways. Just for starters, strangers don't give a shit enough about you to bother observing you, so right off the bat, my hang-ups about sunny weather and being watched cancel each other out. That's one of my favorite things about L.A.: it's not that people are "open-minded". It's that they don't give a shit, and that's what gives you the freedom to truly be whoever you want to be. Being "open-minded" is forced and therefore ends up being very pretentious. "Open-minded" people like to accuse others of not being "open-minded" themselves as an excuse to persecute them. And, you know who I'm talking about. PC fucking stupid bullshit hippies. I'm procrastinating really bad. I'm supposed to be studying right now, and I don't feel like it, and I'm addicted to this online computer game, so I feel like I'm not doing so bad babbling as long as I'm not playing that fucking game. It gets disastrous. Last night, I was going to go meet up with a friend of mine who I haven't seen in probably 4 years even though we have lived within three miles of each other this whole time. For about a year, we lived literally three blocks from each other and never hung out once. Anyway, last night, she invited me to a cat's birthday party, and it was right here in Hollywood too. And I'm always moaning and groaning about how there's rarely parties in my neighborhood, and I didn't go. I sat in my stupid apartment and played that stupid fucking computer game until stupid fucking four o'clock in the morning. Maybe also, subconsciously I didn't want to be around drinking since I'm sober, but honestly, it really doesn't bother me. I started dabbling with sobriety a couple of years ago, and the more and more I do it, the more and more comfortable I get with it. Distractions are key. Really, everything in life is a distraction. Did you know the Spanish word for entertainment is distraciones? (like distractions). These activities are distractions from how fucking boring life is unless you're being distracted from it. Until about a week ago, there was no computer or TV in my apartment for something like three months with no job also obviously. I really enjoyed it. I would just sit around and drink Steel Reserve and read shitloads of books, and chat with people on the phone, but then when I went sober, I didn't want to talk to anybody and my apartment's so lifeless and I started feeling really depressed, and for some reason I lost my ability to concentrate on reading books, and I was just staring at the wall constantly and feeling sad about my ex and worrying about financial shit and I didn't have a bike either, so I was pretty immobile and then luckily, I got this computer and now I have a bike that I like too, so I feel really great. The only things that I crave are playing games (a craving I satisfy often), eating sugar (I gorge all day, Now and Later's being my current favorite), my prank call show brings me immense feelings of gratification (did I mention we're coming out with our first best of CD within the next couple of weeks?), but pharmaceutical opiate drugs, that's one thing I can't stop being obsessed with. When I take those drugs everything feels so perfect. Everything within myself aligns in perfect harmony. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Not that I really believe in anything spiritual. I just used that word to describe everything that doesn't fall under the other categories, and I'm too lazy to bother trying to actually figure out a way to describe it. The only problem is financial and I don't want to be addicted. I'm not very prone to physical addiction to opiates or really physical addiction period, but I just like it a lot. I think people throw the word addiction around too flippantly. There's a difference between addiction and just really, really liking something. Like drinking. I love drinking. It's probably my all time favorite thing on the face of the planet. It provides nurturing, companionship, comfort, enjoyment, relaxation, nourishment, escape, excitement. It feeds my imagination. It boosts my libido. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel passionate. It gives me the astonishing ability to actually savor emotional pain. It makes me honest with myself. Does that mean I'm addicted to it? Well, I'm using a really bad example because I am actually addicted to it. But, then again, I don't know. Yesterday, I completed two weeks, and I don't have the slightest craving for it, and like I said above, it doesn't even bother me being around other people drinking. Hmm, I really don't know. I was just thinking I could put together a whole novel with my blog on MySpace. 3/4 of the entries I wrote as autobiographical short stories. Hmmm, that gives me an idea. My next book might end up taking way less effort than previously thought. It's already written! I'ld like to get into another field of work. I'ld like to work on a boat. I love the ocean. I have no idea how you find that kind of work. Why can't I stop babbling. Oh, I know! I have a great idea! I'm going to call my mother! That'll knock the wind right out of me! Don't get me wrong. I love my mother of course, but after a few minutes, it makes me want to shut off all communication just out of exhaustion because we have major communication problems. First of all, we talk in Spanish and my Spanish completely sucks, so it mentally wears me down from thinking so hard. The grammar's so fucking complicated it hurts my head. And then, second of all, she makes no sense. Our minds work differently. Sometimes, I'll insist she translates something into English and it still doesn't make any sense. I take everything very literally, and it causes a lot of confusion on my end because people often communicate based on emotion rather than logic, and it's usually emotion that even they themselves don't understand nor even care to attempt to understand. It doesn't bother me if it's something that doesn't make sense, but it's funny or amusing. That's fine. I actually really like it. That's the spice of life, but when it's something confrontational, that's a completely different story. Years ago, I made it one of my life's missions to completely avoid "serious" discussions (arguments, basically) with people that don't think rationally. It's like a game where the two people are using two completely sets of rules. The main difference between a discussion and an argument is a discussion is productive whereas an argument is destructive. Nobody ever wins an argument unless everyone involved is able to transform it into a productive discussion. So, anyways that philosophy sounds all fine and nice, but I've been highly unsuccessful implementing any of that into my actual life. I think 90% of the time people just try to get into arguments because they're bored. I'm totally guilty of that in terms of political views .e.g. (did I use that right?) I'm neither Pro-Life nor Pro-Choice. I'm Pro-Death. Abortions should not only be kept legal, they should be free and highly encouraged. Obviously, even more so, the vasectomy, Medical Science's greatest gift to man and womankind besides opiate drugs. You know what the most ironic part of this nauseatingly long letter is? I'm totally wired on caffeine.