I'm beginning to feel like a granpa. I long for those ol' timey days when people had some god damn fucking phone etiquette!  you stupid sons of fucking bitches! What in the fuck is wrong with your fucking mushed brains, you spineless sniveling nincompoops! My favorite is when somebody calls me, and I make the terrible mistake of answering the phone: "Hey" Right off the bat, terrible manners, you stupid motherfucker! I wouldn't even say, "Hey," to somebody in person. and then I proceed to have a five minute long conversation with somebody, and I don't even know who the fuck they are! Or, they call, and leave a message. They don't even say who they are nor leave a phone number! This is not a cell phone, you presumptuous dipshit! Or, I like this one, "Jimmy?" That's what you do? You call people and make guesses as to who is going to pick up? I know this may seem dumb, and I'm sure if you were born before the year 1992, somebody has taught you this before, but I'm about to teach it to you again because you're an idiot. Here goes: "Hello, may I please speak to [fill in the blank]?" "No, he's [she's] not in at the moment. Would you like me to take a message?" "That would be great, please have him [or her] give me a call at 323-555-5555.  That number again is 323-555-5555." "OK, I got it here written down." "Thank you." "Bye." "Good-bye." This is what you stupid motherfuckers do: ring ring ring "Sarah" "Is that a question?" "Sarah" "I'm assuming you're saying that because you would like to speak to her?" "Sarah" "Ok, well, fine, uh, she's not here." "Tell her to call me." "All right, I will." click Who in the fuck was that?!?!?!? I have no idea nor care! Why in the hell would you not even know the fundamental basics of telephone conversation?!?!? You don't even need to be that polite. If you don't want to be too ultra-corny, "Hi, is Sarah there?" "Uh, she's not here right now. Do you want me to have her call you? I could write down your phone number." "Do you have a pen?" "Yeah, go ahead, . . . " etc. My favorite is when somebody calls me, hangs up on my answering machine, and then asks me later why I never called them back. I never knew that you called. It's not a cell phone, and I don't have caller ID. What do they say about assumptions? Everyone's got 'em. I don't even know what they say about them. This is way off track, but I love it when people hear me speak Spanish and say, "I didn't know you spoke Spanish, . . . " By any chance, has your brain been put through a food processor at any point recently? Is that something that I'm supposed to tell you upon introduction? That's the same person that calls me and says, "hey."